Alone, but not Lonely.
I’ve spent hours trying to put my
thoughts into words and I’m having a lot of difficulty so please bare with me.
Guess what! There are struggles to moving to a new country! After months of
living here I am actually allowing myself to admit that I have had struggles. I do love my life – don’t get me wrong, but it isn’t perfect. My
biggest struggle has been finding comfort in the social part of my new life. I haven't exactly been an extremely social person since moving and as much as I am okay with being on my own, it is starting to get the best of me. The hardest part of this entire journey has been making friends. I have never had trouble making friends before and it's only starting to hit me that I don't really feel like I have anyone here that I can run to when I need to. Yes, I have made friends, but I don't feel as though there is anyone in this entire country that genuinely thinks of me when they think about the friends in their life. There is also a voice in my head telling me that the rest of the world is
watching me on this journey and they expect me to be making friends, being
social, going out, etc. The reality of it is that moving somewhere new is hard
– especially if you’re not the most outgoing person in the world. I have been on
my own a lot in the last 7 months. I always have considered myself to be a
social person, but moving has really revealed a lot to me about my social life.
Something that I never really knew about myself is that I am socially anxious. I
mean, I’ve never been completely outgoing – I am quite reserved and not a loud person what-so-ever, but I never considered it an anxiety. I don’t
want to label myself as having social anxiety, simply because I have not been
diagnosed and I know there are serious cases of it far more difficult than I
could ever imagine. Throughout my life I have always had close friends, but I have never felt completely secure. I have always had that voice telling me that nobody liked me as much as I liked them - but for the most part, I was comfortable. It wasn’t until I left
my comfortable life in Canada that being alone became the norm for me. I mean
I’ve never been a “social butterfly” or a dominant personality, but I never felt fear when it came to being social. As the months have progressed, social situations have become more
and more terrifying to me. I’m not saying that I haven’t made friends; it’s
just that the idea of being social seems more exhausting than fulfilling to me
now. At the same time though, avoiding social situations doesn’t make me feel lame or
lonely. Being on my own is where I am the most comfortable. Even when I do go
out to do things I like being on my own. I like going to the beach alone, I
like shopping alone; I am genuinely okay doing most things alone. I think this
is also a large reason that I don’t feel the need to have a boyfriend, to my
mother’s dismay. My entire family can’t figure out what’s wrong with me (NOTE:
being single does not mean there is something wrong with you – please forgive
my family for being judgmental. Thank you.), but I think it’s pretty simple.
Meeting new people makes me anxious, I definitely haven’t met the right person
yet, and I really enjoy being alone. Also I haven’t met Harry Styles yet, so…
I read an article a few weeks ago
about being an extroverted introvert and I have never felt such a connection to
a piece of writing before. I have never considered myself either because I am
definitely not an extrovert, but I’m also not completely an introvert. “You’re resilient and sensitive at the same time. Very social butrarely out. You enjoy being the center of attention - there are days whenyou think out loud, and you rarely care. And then there are days when youover-think everything, rarely thinking out loud, your annoying inner monologuekicking in. The entirety of your being is a conundrum.” I didn’t really
know that other people felt this same way, and it was so comforting to know
that there are others who think the way that I do. It has been hard for me to
actually put into words how I feel, and this article did exactly that. Our
minds are terrifying places that can lead us to believe that we are the only
ones going through what we’re going through.
Being alone doesn’t make me
lonely. I don’t dread the nights where I lay in bed watching countless hours of
Netflix; I genuinely enjoy them. I truly am my own best friend and I wouldn’t
want to change that. As much as my anxieties about being social have increased
since I moved here, my relationship with myself has gotten even stronger. A lot
of people have told me that I am so brave and confident to move across the
world but I don’t see myself like that at all. The initial move was honestly
the easiest decision I’ve ever made. The hard parts of the move are just
starting to reveal themselves and I don’t feel brave or confident in any way. Yes,
I am comfortable with myself and who I am but no, I haven’t overcome my social
anxieties. I am simply doing my best to not let them get the best of me. As
much as I wish I could be a bit more outgoing, and a bit more comfortable
outside of my own bubble, I am so thankful that I am okay on my own.
* I don’t know if any of this
made sense but neither does anything that’s going on in my head at this moment
I just had to get it all out. Social anxieties suck! But loving yourself rocks!
** Also in no way am I a spokesperson for those with anxiety. I know there is a lot more to it and I didn't go in depth about everything that goes on inside of my head.
4 comments
I have finally found a way to describe myself after reading this - an extroverted introvert. I love being on my own but at the same time dislike the feeling of being alone. Although I can't relate to moving to a new country, I can relate to struggling to make close friendships in a new environment. Last year all my friends moved away for university and I stayed in Toronto, so I had to make friends all over again. I can totally also relate to still not having a boyfriend and frightening my mother lol... but hey I really do enjoy getting to know myself better as well! I've figured out that the hardest part for me is getting myself to participate in social activities. I just tell myself it's just a hurdle to get over! Tess you are incredibly brave to move to a new country, even though it's always been what you've dreamed of. I wish I could have as much clarity and positivity as you do!
ReplyDeleteSorry for the late reply, Allie! Thank you so much for your comment - it truly means so much to me. My internal situation has improved greatly since writing this post. Definitely getting over the hurdle is the hardest part. I am fine in social situations but I always build such a large barrier which prevents me from actually getting myself into those situations. Hope you're well!
DeleteI have just read all of your blog posts, and I wanted to say thank you! I have recently moved to Australia as well, and I could not relate to this post more!!! I'm looking forward to more blog posts. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment, Madi! I have been trying to find guidance with this blog ever since writing this post and your comment really focused my attention back to it. I hope your move has been good and that you've been overcoming these challenges as well. If you ever need someone to talk to that can relate feel free to tweet me @tessbaidwin or message me on instagram @tessbald x
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